One Week

It's here. The One Week mark. This time next Friday, I will be out of it. My family will be waiting. The closer it gets, the more real it gets. I really dread seeing what I'll see (or not see) when I wake up. And waiting to talk to the doctor to see how bad it is. But I want it over. Done. This will be a real test for Mike. Will he handle everything? Or will I have to handle it through the fog of the drugs that I will be inhaling? Guess I'll find out.

I know Evan will be fine. He's such a little man.

Update on biopsy

Finally talked to Dr. Kitchens today. Mixed bag on the results of the screens. He said that it was very middle of the road, average, exactly what he expected from the biopsy. It was estrogen positive, which he said was good. But it was also progestrone...something... which wasn't good. But no real red flags that are distressing. I won't know the stage until they do the node biopsy...so when I wake up I get to see tubes, a bumpy chest and I get to wait to see him. He will be on call that weekend, so at least if I need him, he will be around. I won't have to deal with a stranger. I think enough people will be seeing me naked - I would like to keep it to a minimum.

Countdown clock

I've added this event to the countdown clock. Don't know why - I usually use that for happy occasions. 8 days, 15 hrs, 53 minutes.

Today I'm thankful for friends.

Today's trials and tribulations

Went to the hospital today for preadmission testing. Uh, they don't have me scheduled for 4/3. The girl at the desk was WONDERFUL. She handled everything with both doctors. It just took a lot longer than I expected.

Before I headed over to the hospital, I stopped in Mtn. Brook Village. A bookstore is closing - you know, one of those cozy little book places where they always have the odd things you are looking for. Cozy, yet pretentious. Anyway, everything they had left was 60% off so I bought a couple of books. I can't believe I've never read Mists of Avalon. That will be rectified soon. I hate to see this place closing, but the manager was saying that even in good times it just broke even. So I can imagine he was going in the hole every month. Guess it's hard to compete with the discount stores.

Evan

Told Evan last Friday night. Basically told him without using the C word. Reminded him of when Grammy and Ms. Rhonda had surgery. And told him that when I came home he would have to be really gentle. And that I wouldn't have my boobs for a while. His reaction? "Ewww. Where will Choc sit?" I love that kid.

He's been giving me hugs and kisses like crazy - don't even have to ask. I just hope that he isn't scared and trying to cover it up. I tried to make sure he knew if he had questions, he could ask me anything - he knows I'll answer honestly. That goes for any subject.

Thought for the day...

This pretty much sums it up...

What if

Thinking about changing a lot of things.

Do I want to live with someone I don't love? And who only thinks about himself? I will never forget him telling me that he had enough to worry about. Never. Could I get over that? Should I? Yeah, he feels bad about it now. But that isn't enough. I cringe every time he touches me. Every time he tells me he loves me, I half heartedly say it back just to avoid the conversation I know is coming.

Do I want Evan to have him as a role model of how to treat a wife? Evan deserves to see what real love is like...not just tolerance.

But. What if there is no one out there for me? What if there is no one who would want me after this surgery? Is that OK? Can I just be happy by myself?

And, can I make it financially?

What am I worried about?

Serious things:

1. That the node biopsy will say that it is in other places and I'll have to have chemo.
2. That I won't be able to take it when I look down after surgery.
3. The pain. Shit, the pain.

Silly things:

1. What am I going to do with my hair? How will I EVER fix it?
2. I won't have my cell phone in my hands for 2 solid days. Not texting a friend? Painful. But not texting while completely stoned? Smart. Really smart.
3. Gaining weight. Normally not a silly concern, but in this context? Silly.

Eww. Emotions.

Well, a sick sense of humor is the only thing that will keep me sane, so here goes.

I decided to name them. Never done that before. The right one I have decided to name Kelly. Why Kelly? Well, the one and only time I ever knew a guy cheated on me, it was with a girl named Kelly. How did I find out? She and her little sister were bragging about the couples they had broken up and a friend of mine heard. I can't remember the little sister's name, but I've decided to name the other one after her: Kelly's little sister. Why? Because she hasn't done anything to me yet, but given the chance, she would have.

And emotions. Doing OK keeping those in check. Every once in a while I will get teary-eyed because this shit is scary. But I will make it through this so that helps. The fact that I have no appetite and have lost 5 lbs in one week? That helps, too. What else is helping me these days?
Exercise - going to the gym after work is wonderful. I'll miss that while I'm out.
Friends - talking to friends about every subject except this? That is also nice.
Evan - knowing he needs me, nuff said. He still doesn't know. I guess I will tell him this weekend.

What isn't helping me? Big shocker. Mike. Does he have a job? Um, no. Thinking about recovering while he's at home? Makes my skin crawl. He isn't working, but what is he doing to help out? Um, nothing.

Also, he's treating me like china - like I'm about to break. 'Are you feeling OK? Do you need to rest?' The thing about china though? You think it's all fragile, and the cheap shit probably is. But real bone china? Did you know you can turn a tea cup over and stand on it with your full weight and it will not break? Well, that's what I am. Real bone china, Royal Doulton to be exact.

What do I miss? Sex. I refuse to have sex with someone who 'has too much to worry about'. Wishing I had the nerve to find a fuck buddy. But at the same time? I don't want ANYONE to touch my boobs. I dread waking up without them, but at the same time I want them gone. They are no longer my friends.

Timeline

March 2 - Mammogram

March 5 - Call from OB telling me the results were 'highly suggestive' and I needed to schedule a biopsy. They arrange it for me.

March 6 - Biopsy. On the way home called Mike. Was told he had enough to worry about.

March 9 - Results. Cancer in the right breast - at least 2 quadrants. Fuck. Only treatment? Mastectomy. Well, you can have them both. Told Ashley, Rhonda, Libby and Susan. They are awesome. No other words will do.

March 10 - Went back to doctor that handled the biopsy. He will be my general surgeon. Took Mom and Mike. It is in the ducts and outside of them. Fuck. Met with plastic surgeon's assistant. Watched a very bad '80's style video with an old woman talking to a 'doctor' about her concerns. Assistant scheduled surgery for April 3. Mike told me he didn't want to be a widdower. Really? I could give a shit if you are alone. I don't want to die. I want to raise my son. At this point? Without you would be preferable.

Before I went to the doc, I called my boss and told him. He told our team. And apparently half of the company. By the time I get home from the doc and go get a quick hair cut, I have a call from a woman I haven't worked with in YEARS. Sweet, but right now I'm in shock since I haven't even had the diagnosis for 24 hours.

Debated whether to tell Tony. Don't want to ruin my happy place. But, this will interfere with plans. Told Tony. Much more awesome than Mike. Concerned about ME. Again, I have awesome friends.

March 12 - Met plastic surgeon. I should have enough skin that it will look like I had a reduction. Have decided on implants for reconstuction, not the tram flap. Hell, if I'm getting new boobs, they are going to be perky and porno. Talked to my OB and his assistant. She used my plastic guy for her reduction and loved him. My OB used the general surgeon for a node biopsy and trusts him. Knowing this, I feel confident in my new doctors.