2 down, 4 to go

Well, so far this one hasn't been quite as bad. I guess the Claratin is helping with the bone pain. Still hurts, but a heating pad is really helping. I'm tired, but so far it's managable. Of course, I've been in a recliner all weekend.

But the really shitty part that's bugging me right now is my hair. As if it doesn't suck enough that it's falling out. It fucking hurts. It feels like it's been in a tight rubber band for days...that feeling you get when you take it down. But the feeling doesn't go away. At least not yet. It's because the folicles are turning loose. It will go away...I guess when all the hair is gone.

Update - I spoke WAY too soon. The bone pain hit with a slam. Hips, knees and ankles. And as quick as it hit, sometime Monday night it went away.

CLEAVAGE!

This is what I look like completely expanded. They are shaped funny, but at least they are even! And that big bandage thing is covering my accessed port. That's how I do my IVs and how they give me the chemo. It's a handy little thing.

Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble

Well, the abcess is continuing to be a pain in my ass. Last week it closed up, but a blister formed where liquid was trying to escape. The doctor opened it up yesterday and it gushed everywhere. Like all down my arm and onto the floor. He put in a stitch so it can heal.

At first he thought there was a defect in the expander. But when he opened it up, it looks like the liquid had pooled under the aladerm. He took a culture and told me not to eat or drink until we got the results back. Just in case we had to operate.

Got culture back, everything is fine. Thank God. I just can't stand the thought of another surgery right now.

I'm proud of myself...

So. I didn't get it shaved to the skin. I just got it cut really short. Like a man. You can see how much gray there is. But this is giving Evan time to get used to it. And me. I refuse to touch it. I just want what is there to hang on a little while longer.

And. I didn't cry. I went to an old beauty shop. Like a beauty shop for old women. The kind where bored old women come in and sit around and chat. They were hilarious. One woman just kept me chatting the whole time so I didn't really have time to think about what was going on. I'm proud of myself. I've kept it under control pretty well.

I did bitch my sister out, though. You know, people handle things in different ways. Some people rally around a friend/family member by calling to check in, sending cards, sending dinner, flowers, joking around, acting like you are still a normal person (because you are). And some people. Like my sister....well, they do things like join the Race for the Cure because that is supposed to show me her support. When all it really does is give my mom 2 kids to babysit even more. And then those poeple decide to tell you how you NEED to go to the event because there "ARE SO MANY JUST LIKE YOU THAT WOULD BE SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO YOU." Does she know me at all? I'm not a 'group therapy' type person. I had to tell her "Hey, I have it under control. When you have gone through this, you can give me advice. But for now, shut the fuck up." To say she was caught off guard...well, that's putting it mildly. And she hasn't called back. Now, this is the same person who has bitched to me about how tired she is. So tired that most of the time my mom has at least one of her kids. So she can rest. And she signs up for a 5K? Yeah. That sums up her logic pretty well.

And while we are on the subject of exhaustion. She was 'exhausted' when she had one child. That she didn't get up with during the night. Her husband did. And she VOLUNTARILY got pregnant again. She knew what she was getting into. So, she is the LAST person I want to hear about exhaustion from. Especially when mine is due to something NOBODY would ever ask for.

One pass through of the fingers..

This is one pass through of the fingers. Imagine what went down the drain.

Today is the day

Today. At 1:00. I will have my head shaved. I won't do it with the dignity that so many others have. I will cry like a baby. And I won't take pictures to show how brave I'm being. Because I won't be. It just seems like the lesser of 2 shitty things. Shave it off, or keep getting big handfulls. Oh, and what isn't coming out by the roots is breaking off so what's there looks like hell.

Fuckballs

Well, the clumps have started. And I'm not just talking about my head. In a couple of days, I'll look like a 9 yr old girl.

So much has happened

Since the first surgery, there have been 3 more. One to remove dead tissue from a hematoma. One to insert the port I will need for chemo. One to decide where this damn staph infection is coming from. The tissue expanders at least gave me something to look at. I wasn't completely flat. There was something there. And now, over 4 months later, I'm almost fully expanded. 650 CCs in each.

Recovery from the first was a bitch. I hate relying on other people, but there was no choice. Had to have help taking a shower. Cooking. Cleaning. Everything that involved movement. I had 6 drains. 3 from each side. That had to be emptied and contents measured. Gross.

What bothered me more than anything was the general surgeon's lack of communication. He told us after the first surgery that everything was great and wonderful and I may have to do a little radiation or something like that. But when they got the path report back and it wasn't so sunny, he couldn't tell me about that. He had to let me get blind-sided by the oncologist. 6 chemo treatments, 3 weeks apart. They started on 7/23/09. Should be finished by second week of November.

I've been on some type of antibiotic since 4/3. Most of it was preventative. But it didn't prevent anything. I'm now on IV antibiotics - and have been for a while. Plan to be until at least 8/12 or until this infection is gone.

Let's see...the first chemo treatment. Wasn't bad the first couple of days. It's scary being hooked up to a drip KNOWING that it's going to make you sick and well at the same time. And not knowing what kind of sick you will be. Took it on Thursday, got my Neulasta shot on Friday. Was tired on Saturday. Sunday I was exhausted and the bone pain set in on my legs. Fuck. It was bad. My legs felt like they had been hit with a bat. That was Sunday and Monday. By Tuesday everything was getting better. By Wednesday, I was tired, but it was managable. By Thursday, I was pretty much back to myself. But I milked it all weekend long. I know the next one will be worse. But, I didn't throw up and that counts for a LOT.

But my hair. I put fucshia highlights in it for fun. I already have my wig, one skanky cowboy hat, 2 knit caps and a couple of scarves. And it looks like I'm about to need them. Exactly 2 weeks after the first treatment and I'm getting LOTS of loose hairs. I dread this. I'll probably get it buzzed off Saturday so I will have time to get over it in time for the concert I'm going to Tuesday.

But I hate what seeing me like this had done to Evan. I don't think hate is a strong enough word.