I almost hate to even document this. Number 6 has been a bitch. I'm glad it's the last one. Thursday and Friday I was fine. Even did Christmas shopping on Friday. I even felt good enough to take a Saturday morning trip with mom to the fabric store, neice and nephew in tow.
M.I.S.T.A.K.E.
We made it to the store and almost home. Nephew (just a few months old) was hungry, so I suggested we stop @ McDonalds and she could feed him and I would get Neice a Happy Meal. Got everyone fed and happy and started cleaning up the table. I started feeling funny. But I was SURE I could make it to the car. Um, no. I made it about 3 steps and fainted. 3 customers caught me so at least my head didn't hit the floor. But I landed on my foot, with my foot completely extended. 2 men helped me to the car, and we headed home. By the time we got there, I wasn't feeling as swimmy-headed, but my foot had swelled. Off to the ER we went. We still don't know why I fainted - we are guessing that my blood pressure just dropped, a common side-effect of the chemo. And the foot isn't broken, but I still have to be careful. Still swollen, but not broken.
I'm still tired. I feel like I can't get caught up on my sleep. But this is the last one, right? A few more days, a few more days.
But the humiliation keeps rolling in. Because fainting in public wasn't bad enough, let's add a little more helplessness to the table. Last night my knees were killing me. Side effect of the Neulasta. Nothing I couldn't handle, but I thought a nice warm bath would help. Sure enough, it provided some temporary relief. I was ready to get out. I still don't like just pulling up straight with my arms - like a normal person. I always feel like my boobs are going to pop out of their pockets. Irrational, I know. But I just roll over and get up to the side. Well, apparently, that won't work. I put pressure on the wrong part of the injured foot. Fell in the tub like an old lady. All I could think was "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" I sat and cried for a few minutes. Then Mike came in and helped me up. And when he and Evan left for guitar, I cried some more. Because all I could see was what he must have seen: a fat, almost bald, old, pitiful lump that couldn't even get out of the tub by herself. I have never felt more helpless in my life. And if there is one thing I HATE, it's feeling helpless.
Just one more blow to the ego after another. But this is the last one. The very last one.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
The blog title and picture
I've been trying to decide if I wanted to try to explain that or not. I guess I will.
The title and picture come from New Moon. My current favorite book. If you haven't read it, this will mean nothing to you. In the book, Bella decides to go cliff-diving alone in an effort to 'hear' Edward. She doesn't see the storm brewing off the coast. Even if she did, she wouldn't have understood the impact of that storm. When she hits the water, she is sucked under. She can't breathe. She can't fight the current. She doesn't even know which direction to TRY to go.
The cliff-diving was my mamogram. The storm was the look in the tech's eyes (she could see it - later I understood the look). Hitting the water was the call from the surgeon that did my biopsy - I couldn't breathe. I had no idea where to turn.
I'm OK now, but the first few days were so confusing. Everyone wants to give advice, especially people who have never been in this position. And it comes from all sides. Slamming. And people telling you it will be fine, before you know it will be. Before you have proof, or at least a doctor's guess. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. But I had to take care of Evan and take care of myself. And I have...with help. Lots of help.
The title and picture come from New Moon. My current favorite book. If you haven't read it, this will mean nothing to you. In the book, Bella decides to go cliff-diving alone in an effort to 'hear' Edward. She doesn't see the storm brewing off the coast. Even if she did, she wouldn't have understood the impact of that storm. When she hits the water, she is sucked under. She can't breathe. She can't fight the current. She doesn't even know which direction to TRY to go.
The cliff-diving was my mamogram. The storm was the look in the tech's eyes (she could see it - later I understood the look). Hitting the water was the call from the surgeon that did my biopsy - I couldn't breathe. I had no idea where to turn.
I'm OK now, but the first few days were so confusing. Everyone wants to give advice, especially people who have never been in this position. And it comes from all sides. Slamming. And people telling you it will be fine, before you know it will be. Before you have proof, or at least a doctor's guess. All I wanted to do was crawl in a hole. But I had to take care of Evan and take care of myself. And I have...with help. Lots of help.
# 5
Treatment number 5 came and went without much fanfare. It was a little worse than the ones before, mainly because I was so tired. Tired from the 4 that came before. Tired because I didn't let myself rest like I should have...company coming does that to me. Tired because the company coming was such a fucking disaster and broke my heart. Here it is, the night before # 6, and I'm still tired. Usually, by this point, I'm back to myself.
But. # 6 is tomorrow. The last one. I can get through this. I WILL rest this time. I WILL drink plenty of fluids. I WILL not have to listen to someone whine about her loser ex-husband, because we are not speaking, therefore I will rest because I won't be getting calls in the middle of the night.
Evan is killing me. He knows I'm tired - I've been taking too many short cuts in the parenting area. He's getting away with too much and he knows he can. This has to stop. But at the same time, he's really being sweet. He has started asking me when my hair will grow back. And I really don't know the answer to that. I don't know if radiation will keep it from growing. Guess I'll ask the doc about that.
I have now traumatized one nephew and one neice. Nephew was a few months ago. He was giving me a hug and I told him to be careful, I have boo boos. His 6 yr old inquiring mind had to see. Do you know how fast the hands of a 6 yr old boy can be? He jerked down my shirt and got a good look at the Frankenboobs. Do you KNOW how weird nipple-less boobs look? He does. 3 yr old Neice happened Halloween. We were all over @ mom and dad's...I was wearing a purple wig. She was trick or treating while I was working on Dad's computer. It got hot. I took off the wig. She came in the bedroom. Her eyes were so wide. "Where, where, where is your purple hair?" I asked her if she wanted me to put it back on... all she could do was nod. Oh, well. Maybe she will knock next time.
But. # 6 is tomorrow. The last one. I can get through this. I WILL rest this time. I WILL drink plenty of fluids. I WILL not have to listen to someone whine about her loser ex-husband, because we are not speaking, therefore I will rest because I won't be getting calls in the middle of the night.
Evan is killing me. He knows I'm tired - I've been taking too many short cuts in the parenting area. He's getting away with too much and he knows he can. This has to stop. But at the same time, he's really being sweet. He has started asking me when my hair will grow back. And I really don't know the answer to that. I don't know if radiation will keep it from growing. Guess I'll ask the doc about that.
I have now traumatized one nephew and one neice. Nephew was a few months ago. He was giving me a hug and I told him to be careful, I have boo boos. His 6 yr old inquiring mind had to see. Do you know how fast the hands of a 6 yr old boy can be? He jerked down my shirt and got a good look at the Frankenboobs. Do you KNOW how weird nipple-less boobs look? He does. 3 yr old Neice happened Halloween. We were all over @ mom and dad's...I was wearing a purple wig. She was trick or treating while I was working on Dad's computer. It got hot. I took off the wig. She came in the bedroom. Her eyes were so wide. "Where, where, where is your purple hair?" I asked her if she wanted me to put it back on... all she could do was nod. Oh, well. Maybe she will knock next time.
Monday, October 5, 2009
#4
Number 4 is done...2 to go before we start the next phase. 2/3 of the way done.
This one really wasn't too bad. I did throw up for the first time. Not much, but enough. But, the pain wasn't as bad. My theory? A reaction with the antibiotics. Every other treatment I've been on antibiotics. This was my first without. And it wasn't too bad. I took maybe 2 of the good pills, but that beat the 2 every 4 to 6 hours last time.
I've been a little more tired this time. Thursday I don't know how I made it through the day. By the end of the day, I realized why. The shot I get after treatment boosts white cell growth to replace the cells destroyed by chemo and prevent infection. Well, this is what your body does naturally when you HAVE an infection. It's what causes fever. By 7 PM I had a fever of 100.6. I usually run a little low...in the 96 degree range. So I felt like crap. I was freezing to the touch, but burninig up on the inside. Supposed to call the doctor @ 100.5 - to determine if I need to start taking the antibiotics that I have on hand. Or if I should be headed to the ER. Because infections can kill a chemo patient. I knew it was just the shot, but I called anyway. My doc wasn't on call. The doc on call never called back. The service kept calling me to see if he had called...finally, my fever started coming down so I told them to forget it. But the next day I did call my doc and let them know.
This one really wasn't too bad. I did throw up for the first time. Not much, but enough. But, the pain wasn't as bad. My theory? A reaction with the antibiotics. Every other treatment I've been on antibiotics. This was my first without. And it wasn't too bad. I took maybe 2 of the good pills, but that beat the 2 every 4 to 6 hours last time.
I've been a little more tired this time. Thursday I don't know how I made it through the day. By the end of the day, I realized why. The shot I get after treatment boosts white cell growth to replace the cells destroyed by chemo and prevent infection. Well, this is what your body does naturally when you HAVE an infection. It's what causes fever. By 7 PM I had a fever of 100.6. I usually run a little low...in the 96 degree range. So I felt like crap. I was freezing to the touch, but burninig up on the inside. Supposed to call the doctor @ 100.5 - to determine if I need to start taking the antibiotics that I have on hand. Or if I should be headed to the ER. Because infections can kill a chemo patient. I knew it was just the shot, but I called anyway. My doc wasn't on call. The doc on call never called back. The service kept calling me to see if he had called...finally, my fever started coming down so I told them to forget it. But the next day I did call my doc and let them know.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Update
# 3 is done. Finally got a solution for the pain. Stay stoned for 2 days. Hey, whatever works. I'm half way done. I feel like I know what to expect and that helps. And my infection is cleared up. No more plastic surgeon for TWO MONTHS! But, I'll miss the girls in the office. I'm meeting them for lunch the day after my next treatment.
My current side effects are lack of hair and exhaustion. The lack of hair? Getting used to it. I still have a good bit on my head. Not enough to go out in public. But enough that I have some fuzz. When this is all done, I'll go have it shaved off so it can all grow back in at the same time. And no more is falling out right now. So I guess I'll get to keep this? But hair everywhere else... still have my eyebrows, still have my lashes. But if it has been shaved or plucked, it isn't growing back. And that's OK. Too bad I couldn't take advantage of not needing to shave the bikini line - becasue it went bald faster than my head. Oh well.
The real problem right now is exhaustion. I NEVER know when it's going to hit. Tuesday I was fine. Wednesday (afternoon) and Thursday (all day)? Could barely move or keep my eyes open. Today (Friday) I feel just about normal. And Evan is having company tomorrow night. Who knows what that will bring? At least it's a boy that Evan gets along with - never have any trouble out of them!
I've been trying to remind myself every day I have something to be thankful for. My latest? Health insurance. Wow. Getting the statements of payment from the insurance company are an eye-opener. The cost that gets me the most is the shot I get the day after a treatment that boosts my blood count - forces the bone marrow to produce. One shot. $8,300. Fuck. You expect the chemo to have a high price tag. It requires a drip. Nurses to administer, doctors to monitor. But one shot? A jab with a tiny needle? But it does the job. Prevents infection, which could be more expensive than the shot if a hospital stay is required. But wow.
My current side effects are lack of hair and exhaustion. The lack of hair? Getting used to it. I still have a good bit on my head. Not enough to go out in public. But enough that I have some fuzz. When this is all done, I'll go have it shaved off so it can all grow back in at the same time. And no more is falling out right now. So I guess I'll get to keep this? But hair everywhere else... still have my eyebrows, still have my lashes. But if it has been shaved or plucked, it isn't growing back. And that's OK. Too bad I couldn't take advantage of not needing to shave the bikini line - becasue it went bald faster than my head. Oh well.
The real problem right now is exhaustion. I NEVER know when it's going to hit. Tuesday I was fine. Wednesday (afternoon) and Thursday (all day)? Could barely move or keep my eyes open. Today (Friday) I feel just about normal. And Evan is having company tomorrow night. Who knows what that will bring? At least it's a boy that Evan gets along with - never have any trouble out of them!
I've been trying to remind myself every day I have something to be thankful for. My latest? Health insurance. Wow. Getting the statements of payment from the insurance company are an eye-opener. The cost that gets me the most is the shot I get the day after a treatment that boosts my blood count - forces the bone marrow to produce. One shot. $8,300. Fuck. You expect the chemo to have a high price tag. It requires a drip. Nurses to administer, doctors to monitor. But one shot? A jab with a tiny needle? But it does the job. Prevents infection, which could be more expensive than the shot if a hospital stay is required. But wow.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
2 down, 4 to go
Well, so far this one hasn't been quite as bad. I guess the Claratin is helping with the bone pain. Still hurts, but a heating pad is really helping. I'm tired, but so far it's managable. Of course, I've been in a recliner all weekend.
But the really shitty part that's bugging me right now is my hair. As if it doesn't suck enough that it's falling out. It fucking hurts. It feels like it's been in a tight rubber band for days...that feeling you get when you take it down. But the feeling doesn't go away. At least not yet. It's because the folicles are turning loose. It will go away...I guess when all the hair is gone.
Update - I spoke WAY too soon. The bone pain hit with a slam. Hips, knees and ankles. And as quick as it hit, sometime Monday night it went away.
But the really shitty part that's bugging me right now is my hair. As if it doesn't suck enough that it's falling out. It fucking hurts. It feels like it's been in a tight rubber band for days...that feeling you get when you take it down. But the feeling doesn't go away. At least not yet. It's because the folicles are turning loose. It will go away...I guess when all the hair is gone.
Update - I spoke WAY too soon. The bone pain hit with a slam. Hips, knees and ankles. And as quick as it hit, sometime Monday night it went away.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
CLEAVAGE!
This is what I look like completely expanded. They are shaped funny, but at least they are even! And that big bandage thing is covering my accessed port. That's how I do my IVs and how they give me the chemo. It's a handy little thing.Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble
Well, the abcess is continuing to be a pain in my ass. Last week it closed up, but a blister formed where liquid was trying to escape. The doctor opened it up yesterday and it gushed everywhere. Like all down my arm and onto the floor. He put in a stitch so it can heal.
At first he thought there was a defect in the expander. But when he opened it up, it looks like the liquid had pooled under the aladerm. He took a culture and told me not to eat or drink until we got the results back. Just in case we had to operate.
Got culture back, everything is fine. Thank God. I just can't stand the thought of another surgery right now.
At first he thought there was a defect in the expander. But when he opened it up, it looks like the liquid had pooled under the aladerm. He took a culture and told me not to eat or drink until we got the results back. Just in case we had to operate.
Got culture back, everything is fine. Thank God. I just can't stand the thought of another surgery right now.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I'm proud of myself...
So. I didn't get it shaved to the skin. I just got it cut really short. Like a man. You can see how much gray there is. But this is giving Evan time to get used to it. And me. I refuse to touch it. I just want what is there to hang on a little while longer.
And. I didn't cry. I went to an old beauty shop. Like a beauty shop for old women. The kind where bored old women come in and sit around and chat. They were hilarious. One woman just kept me chatting the whole time so I didn't really have time to think about what was going on. I'm proud of myself. I've kept it under control pretty well.
I did bitch my sister out, though. You know, people handle things in different ways. Some people rally around a friend/family member by calling to check in, sending cards, sending dinner, flowers, joking around, acting like you are still a normal person (because you are). And some people. Like my sister....well, they do things like join the Race for the Cure because that is supposed to show me her support. When all it really does is give my mom 2 kids to babysit even more. And then those poeple decide to tell you how you NEED to go to the event because there "ARE SO MANY JUST LIKE YOU THAT WOULD BE SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO YOU." Does she know me at all? I'm not a 'group therapy' type person. I had to tell her "Hey, I have it under control. When you have gone through this, you can give me advice. But for now, shut the fuck up." To say she was caught off guard...well, that's putting it mildly. And she hasn't called back. Now, this is the same person who has bitched to me about how tired she is. So tired that most of the time my mom has at least one of her kids. So she can rest. And she signs up for a 5K? Yeah. That sums up her logic pretty well.
And while we are on the subject of exhaustion. She was 'exhausted' when she had one child. That she didn't get up with during the night. Her husband did. And she VOLUNTARILY got pregnant again. She knew what she was getting into. So, she is the LAST person I want to hear about exhaustion from. Especially when mine is due to something NOBODY would ever ask for.
And. I didn't cry. I went to an old beauty shop. Like a beauty shop for old women. The kind where bored old women come in and sit around and chat. They were hilarious. One woman just kept me chatting the whole time so I didn't really have time to think about what was going on. I'm proud of myself. I've kept it under control pretty well.
I did bitch my sister out, though. You know, people handle things in different ways. Some people rally around a friend/family member by calling to check in, sending cards, sending dinner, flowers, joking around, acting like you are still a normal person (because you are). And some people. Like my sister....well, they do things like join the Race for the Cure because that is supposed to show me her support. When all it really does is give my mom 2 kids to babysit even more. And then those poeple decide to tell you how you NEED to go to the event because there "ARE SO MANY JUST LIKE YOU THAT WOULD BE SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO YOU." Does she know me at all? I'm not a 'group therapy' type person. I had to tell her "Hey, I have it under control. When you have gone through this, you can give me advice. But for now, shut the fuck up." To say she was caught off guard...well, that's putting it mildly. And she hasn't called back. Now, this is the same person who has bitched to me about how tired she is. So tired that most of the time my mom has at least one of her kids. So she can rest. And she signs up for a 5K? Yeah. That sums up her logic pretty well.
And while we are on the subject of exhaustion. She was 'exhausted' when she had one child. That she didn't get up with during the night. Her husband did. And she VOLUNTARILY got pregnant again. She knew what she was getting into. So, she is the LAST person I want to hear about exhaustion from. Especially when mine is due to something NOBODY would ever ask for.
Friday, August 7, 2009
One pass through of the fingers..
This is one pass through of the fingers. Imagine what went down the drain.
Today is the day
Today. At 1:00. I will have my head shaved. I won't do it with the dignity that so many others have. I will cry like a baby. And I won't take pictures to show how brave I'm being. Because I won't be. It just seems like the lesser of 2 shitty things. Shave it off, or keep getting big handfulls. Oh, and what isn't coming out by the roots is breaking off so what's there looks like hell.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Fuckballs
Well, the clumps have started. And I'm not just talking about my head. In a couple of days, I'll look like a 9 yr old girl.
So much has happened
Since the first surgery, there have been 3 more. One to remove dead tissue from a hematoma. One to insert the port I will need for chemo. One to decide where this damn staph infection is coming from. The tissue expanders at least gave me something to look at. I wasn't completely flat. There was something there. And now, over 4 months later, I'm almost fully expanded. 650 CCs in each.
Recovery from the first was a bitch. I hate relying on other people, but there was no choice. Had to have help taking a shower. Cooking. Cleaning. Everything that involved movement. I had 6 drains. 3 from each side. That had to be emptied and contents measured. Gross.
What bothered me more than anything was the general surgeon's lack of communication. He told us after the first surgery that everything was great and wonderful and I may have to do a little radiation or something like that. But when they got the path report back and it wasn't so sunny, he couldn't tell me about that. He had to let me get blind-sided by the oncologist. 6 chemo treatments, 3 weeks apart. They started on 7/23/09. Should be finished by second week of November.
I've been on some type of antibiotic since 4/3. Most of it was preventative. But it didn't prevent anything. I'm now on IV antibiotics - and have been for a while. Plan to be until at least 8/12 or until this infection is gone.
Let's see...the first chemo treatment. Wasn't bad the first couple of days. It's scary being hooked up to a drip KNOWING that it's going to make you sick and well at the same time. And not knowing what kind of sick you will be. Took it on Thursday, got my Neulasta shot on Friday. Was tired on Saturday. Sunday I was exhausted and the bone pain set in on my legs. Fuck. It was bad. My legs felt like they had been hit with a bat. That was Sunday and Monday. By Tuesday everything was getting better. By Wednesday, I was tired, but it was managable. By Thursday, I was pretty much back to myself. But I milked it all weekend long. I know the next one will be worse. But, I didn't throw up and that counts for a LOT.
But my hair. I put fucshia highlights in it for fun. I already have my wig, one skanky cowboy hat, 2 knit caps and a couple of scarves. And it looks like I'm about to need them. Exactly 2 weeks after the first treatment and I'm getting LOTS of loose hairs. I dread this. I'll probably get it buzzed off Saturday so I will have time to get over it in time for the concert I'm going to Tuesday.
But I hate what seeing me like this had done to Evan. I don't think hate is a strong enough word.
Recovery from the first was a bitch. I hate relying on other people, but there was no choice. Had to have help taking a shower. Cooking. Cleaning. Everything that involved movement. I had 6 drains. 3 from each side. That had to be emptied and contents measured. Gross.
What bothered me more than anything was the general surgeon's lack of communication. He told us after the first surgery that everything was great and wonderful and I may have to do a little radiation or something like that. But when they got the path report back and it wasn't so sunny, he couldn't tell me about that. He had to let me get blind-sided by the oncologist. 6 chemo treatments, 3 weeks apart. They started on 7/23/09. Should be finished by second week of November.
I've been on some type of antibiotic since 4/3. Most of it was preventative. But it didn't prevent anything. I'm now on IV antibiotics - and have been for a while. Plan to be until at least 8/12 or until this infection is gone.
Let's see...the first chemo treatment. Wasn't bad the first couple of days. It's scary being hooked up to a drip KNOWING that it's going to make you sick and well at the same time. And not knowing what kind of sick you will be. Took it on Thursday, got my Neulasta shot on Friday. Was tired on Saturday. Sunday I was exhausted and the bone pain set in on my legs. Fuck. It was bad. My legs felt like they had been hit with a bat. That was Sunday and Monday. By Tuesday everything was getting better. By Wednesday, I was tired, but it was managable. By Thursday, I was pretty much back to myself. But I milked it all weekend long. I know the next one will be worse. But, I didn't throw up and that counts for a LOT.
But my hair. I put fucshia highlights in it for fun. I already have my wig, one skanky cowboy hat, 2 knit caps and a couple of scarves. And it looks like I'm about to need them. Exactly 2 weeks after the first treatment and I'm getting LOTS of loose hairs. I dread this. I'll probably get it buzzed off Saturday so I will have time to get over it in time for the concert I'm going to Tuesday.
But I hate what seeing me like this had done to Evan. I don't think hate is a strong enough word.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Less than a day
By this time tomorrow, I will be in surgery. I dread this. But I know everyone will take care of me. By everyone, I mean Mom, Dad and my friends. I'm packed. I'm going to get my nails done. Shit, even if the rest of me looks like crap, my hands and feet can look nice.
Friday, March 27, 2009
One Week
It's here. The One Week mark. This time next Friday, I will be out of it. My family will be waiting. The closer it gets, the more real it gets. I really dread seeing what I'll see (or not see) when I wake up. And waiting to talk to the doctor to see how bad it is. But I want it over. Done. This will be a real test for Mike. Will he handle everything? Or will I have to handle it through the fog of the drugs that I will be inhaling? Guess I'll find out.
I know Evan will be fine. He's such a little man.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Update on biopsy
Finally talked to Dr. Kitchens today. Mixed bag on the results of the screens. He said that it was very middle of the road, average, exactly what he expected from the biopsy. It was estrogen positive, which he said was good. But it was also progestrone...something... which wasn't good. But no real red flags that are distressing. I won't know the stage until they do the node biopsy...so when I wake up I get to see tubes, a bumpy chest and I get to wait to see him. He will be on call that weekend, so at least if I need him, he will be around. I won't have to deal with a stranger. I think enough people will be seeing me naked - I would like to keep it to a minimum.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Countdown clock
I've added this event to the countdown clock. Don't know why - I usually use that for happy occasions. 8 days, 15 hrs, 53 minutes.
Today I'm thankful for friends.
Today I'm thankful for friends.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Today's trials and tribulations
Went to the hospital today for preadmission testing. Uh, they don't have me scheduled for 4/3. The girl at the desk was WONDERFUL. She handled everything with both doctors. It just took a lot longer than I expected.
Before I headed over to the hospital, I stopped in Mtn. Brook Village. A bookstore is closing - you know, one of those cozy little book places where they always have the odd things you are looking for. Cozy, yet pretentious. Anyway, everything they had left was 60% off so I bought a couple of books. I can't believe I've never read Mists of Avalon. That will be rectified soon. I hate to see this place closing, but the manager was saying that even in good times it just broke even. So I can imagine he was going in the hole every month. Guess it's hard to compete with the discount stores.
Before I headed over to the hospital, I stopped in Mtn. Brook Village. A bookstore is closing - you know, one of those cozy little book places where they always have the odd things you are looking for. Cozy, yet pretentious. Anyway, everything they had left was 60% off so I bought a couple of books. I can't believe I've never read Mists of Avalon. That will be rectified soon. I hate to see this place closing, but the manager was saying that even in good times it just broke even. So I can imagine he was going in the hole every month. Guess it's hard to compete with the discount stores.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Evan
Told Evan last Friday night. Basically told him without using the C word. Reminded him of when Grammy and Ms. Rhonda had surgery. And told him that when I came home he would have to be really gentle. And that I wouldn't have my boobs for a while. His reaction? "Ewww. Where will Choc sit?" I love that kid.
He's been giving me hugs and kisses like crazy - don't even have to ask. I just hope that he isn't scared and trying to cover it up. I tried to make sure he knew if he had questions, he could ask me anything - he knows I'll answer honestly. That goes for any subject.
He's been giving me hugs and kisses like crazy - don't even have to ask. I just hope that he isn't scared and trying to cover it up. I tried to make sure he knew if he had questions, he could ask me anything - he knows I'll answer honestly. That goes for any subject.
Friday, March 20, 2009
What if
Thinking about changing a lot of things.
Do I want to live with someone I don't love? And who only thinks about himself? I will never forget him telling me that he had enough to worry about. Never. Could I get over that? Should I? Yeah, he feels bad about it now. But that isn't enough. I cringe every time he touches me. Every time he tells me he loves me, I half heartedly say it back just to avoid the conversation I know is coming.
Do I want Evan to have him as a role model of how to treat a wife? Evan deserves to see what real love is like...not just tolerance.
But. What if there is no one out there for me? What if there is no one who would want me after this surgery? Is that OK? Can I just be happy by myself?
And, can I make it financially?
Do I want to live with someone I don't love? And who only thinks about himself? I will never forget him telling me that he had enough to worry about. Never. Could I get over that? Should I? Yeah, he feels bad about it now. But that isn't enough. I cringe every time he touches me. Every time he tells me he loves me, I half heartedly say it back just to avoid the conversation I know is coming.
Do I want Evan to have him as a role model of how to treat a wife? Evan deserves to see what real love is like...not just tolerance.
But. What if there is no one out there for me? What if there is no one who would want me after this surgery? Is that OK? Can I just be happy by myself?
And, can I make it financially?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
What am I worried about?
Serious things:
1. That the node biopsy will say that it is in other places and I'll have to have chemo.
2. That I won't be able to take it when I look down after surgery.
3. The pain. Shit, the pain.
Silly things:
- What am I going to do with my hair? How will I EVER fix it?
- I won't have my cell phone in my hands for 2 solid days. Not texting a friend? Painful. But not texting while completely stoned? Smart. Really smart.
- Gaining weight. Normally not a silly concern, but in this context? Silly.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Eww. Emotions.
Well, a sick sense of humor is the only thing that will keep me sane, so here goes.
I decided to name them. Never done that before. The right one I have decided to name Kelly. Why Kelly? Well, the one and only time I ever knew a guy cheated on me, it was with a girl named Kelly. How did I find out? She and her little sister were bragging about the couples they had broken up and a friend of mine heard. I can't remember the little sister's name, but I've decided to name the other one after her: Kelly's little sister. Why? Because she hasn't done anything to me yet, but given the chance, she would have.
And emotions. Doing OK keeping those in check. Every once in a while I will get teary-eyed because this shit is scary. But I will make it through this so that helps. The fact that I have no appetite and have lost 5 lbs in one week? That helps, too. What else is helping me these days?
Exercise - going to the gym after work is wonderful. I'll miss that while I'm out.
Friends - talking to friends about every subject except this? That is also nice.
Evan - knowing he needs me, nuff said. He still doesn't know. I guess I will tell him this weekend.
What isn't helping me? Big shocker. Mike. Does he have a job? Um, no. Thinking about recovering while he's at home? Makes my skin crawl. He isn't working, but what is he doing to help out? Um, nothing.
Also, he's treating me like china - like I'm about to break. 'Are you feeling OK? Do you need to rest?' The thing about china though? You think it's all fragile, and the cheap shit probably is. But real bone china? Did you know you can turn a tea cup over and stand on it with your full weight and it will not break? Well, that's what I am. Real bone china, Royal Doulton to be exact.
What do I miss? Sex. I refuse to have sex with someone who 'has too much to worry about'. Wishing I had the nerve to find a fuck buddy. But at the same time? I don't want ANYONE to touch my boobs. I dread waking up without them, but at the same time I want them gone. They are no longer my friends.
I decided to name them. Never done that before. The right one I have decided to name Kelly. Why Kelly? Well, the one and only time I ever knew a guy cheated on me, it was with a girl named Kelly. How did I find out? She and her little sister were bragging about the couples they had broken up and a friend of mine heard. I can't remember the little sister's name, but I've decided to name the other one after her: Kelly's little sister. Why? Because she hasn't done anything to me yet, but given the chance, she would have.
And emotions. Doing OK keeping those in check. Every once in a while I will get teary-eyed because this shit is scary. But I will make it through this so that helps. The fact that I have no appetite and have lost 5 lbs in one week? That helps, too. What else is helping me these days?
Exercise - going to the gym after work is wonderful. I'll miss that while I'm out.
Friends - talking to friends about every subject except this? That is also nice.
Evan - knowing he needs me, nuff said. He still doesn't know. I guess I will tell him this weekend.
What isn't helping me? Big shocker. Mike. Does he have a job? Um, no. Thinking about recovering while he's at home? Makes my skin crawl. He isn't working, but what is he doing to help out? Um, nothing.
Also, he's treating me like china - like I'm about to break. 'Are you feeling OK? Do you need to rest?' The thing about china though? You think it's all fragile, and the cheap shit probably is. But real bone china? Did you know you can turn a tea cup over and stand on it with your full weight and it will not break? Well, that's what I am. Real bone china, Royal Doulton to be exact.
What do I miss? Sex. I refuse to have sex with someone who 'has too much to worry about'. Wishing I had the nerve to find a fuck buddy. But at the same time? I don't want ANYONE to touch my boobs. I dread waking up without them, but at the same time I want them gone. They are no longer my friends.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Timeline
March 2 - Mammogram
March 5 - Call from OB telling me the results were 'highly suggestive' and I needed to schedule a biopsy. They arrange it for me.
March 6 - Biopsy. On the way home called Mike. Was told he had enough to worry about.
March 9 - Results. Cancer in the right breast - at least 2 quadrants. Fuck. Only treatment? Mastectomy. Well, you can have them both. Told Ashley, Rhonda, Libby and Susan. They are awesome. No other words will do.
March 10 - Went back to doctor that handled the biopsy. He will be my general surgeon. Took Mom and Mike. It is in the ducts and outside of them. Fuck. Met with plastic surgeon's assistant. Watched a very bad '80's style video with an old woman talking to a 'doctor' about her concerns. Assistant scheduled surgery for April 3. Mike told me he didn't want to be a widdower. Really? I could give a shit if you are alone. I don't want to die. I want to raise my son. At this point? Without you would be preferable.
Before I went to the doc, I called my boss and told him. He told our team. And apparently half of the company. By the time I get home from the doc and go get a quick hair cut, I have a call from a woman I haven't worked with in YEARS. Sweet, but right now I'm in shock since I haven't even had the diagnosis for 24 hours.
Debated whether to tell Tony. Don't want to ruin my happy place. But, this will interfere with plans. Told Tony. Much more awesome than Mike. Concerned about ME. Again, I have awesome friends.
March 12 - Met plastic surgeon. I should have enough skin that it will look like I had a reduction. Have decided on implants for reconstuction, not the tram flap. Hell, if I'm getting new boobs, they are going to be perky and porno. Talked to my OB and his assistant. She used my plastic guy for her reduction and loved him. My OB used the general surgeon for a node biopsy and trusts him. Knowing this, I feel confident in my new doctors.
March 5 - Call from OB telling me the results were 'highly suggestive' and I needed to schedule a biopsy. They arrange it for me.
March 6 - Biopsy. On the way home called Mike. Was told he had enough to worry about.
March 9 - Results. Cancer in the right breast - at least 2 quadrants. Fuck. Only treatment? Mastectomy. Well, you can have them both. Told Ashley, Rhonda, Libby and Susan. They are awesome. No other words will do.
March 10 - Went back to doctor that handled the biopsy. He will be my general surgeon. Took Mom and Mike. It is in the ducts and outside of them. Fuck. Met with plastic surgeon's assistant. Watched a very bad '80's style video with an old woman talking to a 'doctor' about her concerns. Assistant scheduled surgery for April 3. Mike told me he didn't want to be a widdower. Really? I could give a shit if you are alone. I don't want to die. I want to raise my son. At this point? Without you would be preferable.
Before I went to the doc, I called my boss and told him. He told our team. And apparently half of the company. By the time I get home from the doc and go get a quick hair cut, I have a call from a woman I haven't worked with in YEARS. Sweet, but right now I'm in shock since I haven't even had the diagnosis for 24 hours.
Debated whether to tell Tony. Don't want to ruin my happy place. But, this will interfere with plans. Told Tony. Much more awesome than Mike. Concerned about ME. Again, I have awesome friends.
March 12 - Met plastic surgeon. I should have enough skin that it will look like I had a reduction. Have decided on implants for reconstuction, not the tram flap. Hell, if I'm getting new boobs, they are going to be perky and porno. Talked to my OB and his assistant. She used my plastic guy for her reduction and loved him. My OB used the general surgeon for a node biopsy and trusts him. Knowing this, I feel confident in my new doctors.
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